So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
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