Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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