I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
