I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
50% drunk capacity currently
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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