And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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