I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
