Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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