so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
