Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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