we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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