god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
