I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
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