nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
