i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize