Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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