How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
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