Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
