I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize