I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
