she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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