I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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