If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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