I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
