Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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