someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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