im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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