its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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