i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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