I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I need to calm my uterus...
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
