I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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