Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
