shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
