My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
