I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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