um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
