Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
