woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
