My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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