I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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