It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
