remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
