So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
In other news, I just burned my penis
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize