just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize