NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
50% drunk capacity currently
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
