I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
