Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
