you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
