why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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