if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
