Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize