I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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