y did u give ur computer a hand job?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
We left an ass print on the piano.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
