I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
