Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
