the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
