I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
