I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
