I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
