You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
