i just sent this text using only my big toe
can u get pink eye on your cock?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
