Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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